Cheap Hotel Pants

Cheap Hotel Pants

"Where the hell do you think you're going wearing those Mister?"

My mother screams at me just as I'm about to escape the 'Dago Detention Center'.

It was Friday night, I was ready to get the weekend off to a quick start and give it a slap on the ass. I had turned fifteen last summer and was very concerned with my appearance, my style of clothing and the length of my hair. It had finally grown over my ears as well as past my collar almost looking like a Rockstar. I was wearing my Beatle Boots polished to a brilliant shine with Cuban Heels adding to what I imagined was eight inches to my height. A blue paisley button down dress shirt with the top two buttons unfastened, a black cabretta and a pair of jeans that were somewhat constricting due to the extra tight fit. I could live with being a little uncomfortable because I looked absolutely fabulous, so I imagined.

" If your father saw you dressed like that he'd... You know."

"Why, what's wrong with the way I'm dressed? Now that I'm older I've become more conscious of my appearance. 

If it were up to you I'd be dressed like Beaver Cleaver or Opie Taylor, looking like a drip." I say loudly.

"If his father saw him, what?"

He yells as he walks into the living room. Just great now the old man has been tipped off that there's a disagreement. Believe me he'll take a special interest in finding out what the problem is and attempt to resolve it with the grace of a Fascist Dictator.

"Jesus Christ, you look like a Puerto Rican from that movie " West Story of Gangs with Natalie Wood." Where'd you get doze Mexican shit kickers? I didn't pay for doze did I?"

"No, I bought them with my own money from my summer job."

" It's not the shoes Vicenzo. Look at those Cheap Hotel pants he's wearing, they're so tight! Tell him to change his pants." 

She refers to my jeans as Cheap Hotel pants because a Cheap Hotel doesn't have any ballroom.

The old man pointed toward the stairs and I returned to my bedroom. I changed my pants then threw my Cheap Hotel pair out the window into the bushes below. I'd retrieve them after inspection then change at my buddy Dean's house. 

" Come here, let me look at you before you leave." My mother insisted " Now don't you feel better ? You can walk without being uncomfortable and giving yourself a hernia."

"There's no problem with the other pants Mom."

" Remind me to go with you when you need new clothes. I can't let you go by yourself any more I guess."

" Sure, I'll definitely let you know."

" Don't get sarcastic with me. Where did my little boy Santi go? You grew up so fast. Seems like only last week you were going to your first day of school."

" It seems like ten years ago to me. I guess you didn't pay attention to my childhood passing by "

" What's wrong with you! Anymore backtalk and you won't be going anywhere. Do you understand?"

" Yes ma'am. I'm sorry. I just get frustrated with how I get treated."

" Have you got any money on you?"

" A couple of dollars that's all."

She reaches into her blouse and pulls out a five dollar bill. I've only seen women do that in old movies. I guess my mother picked it up from watching them.

" Thanks mom. Sorry about talking back. You know I love you." I apologized again.

" I know, I love you too. Come here and give me a kiss." She commands.

I give her a fast peck on the cheek and quickly head for the door. Just as I get outside I hear her say, " And Santiago, please be careful."

But I close the door before she finishes her request.

I go around back to retrieve my Cheap Hotel Pants searching the ground and in the bushes. I can't find them . I'm sure I threw them far enough away from the eve.

I look up and there they are hanging from the branch of a tree. I attempt to jump and grab at them a couple of times but they're just out of reach. It appeared I'd need something to hit them with and knock them off the branch. There had to be something in the garage that would work.

I enter not wanting to turn on the light and alert my parents that someone is in the garage.

It's dark without any light at all to give me even a small amount of vision. I move deeper into the darkness feeling around for some type of pole to use. Then I trip over what I found out later is my sister's bike. The damn thing is lying right inside the door. My fall causes other items to crash down making a noise I'm certain my old man will hear. 

"Who the hell is in my garage! You better answer before I start shooting, you Son of a Bitch." The old man hollers.

"It's me, Santi. I couldn't find the light switch."

The old man stands in the doorway and turns on the light. I'm lying on the floor with my hand on a snow shovel.

"What the hell are you doin' in here?"

He asks with a grin.

Come on, think of some reason for being in the garage. Hurry!

"I'm sleeping over at Dean's house tonight. We're going to shovel sidewalks tomorrow for some money. I needed a snow shovel." Oh Santiago you master of spontaneous embellishment.   

" Okay, turn off the light and close the door when you're done. Don't lose the shovel because you're going to need it to shovel our sidewalk when you get home."

"You bet."

Did he ask if I was okay? He was more worried about his snow shovel than me. I'm not surprised. I grab the snow shovel and watch him enter the house as I turn off the light and close the door.

I get to the tree and with one slap at the Jeans they fall off the branch onto the ground. With a quick move I pick them up and stuff them in my backpack.

I start toward my buddy Dean's house as it begins to snow. We're going to a party at a girl's house from High School. Her parents are gone so it should be a wild time. 

First I stop off to where my brother hides his booze. I discovered the location one night when he was drunk. I followed him. He was totally unaware I was watching. This must be my lucky night. I found an almost full bottle of Vodka with four beers. I shoved the liquor inside my backpack, slung the snow shovel over my shoulder and I headed to my buddy Dean's house.

I round the corner to his house and a snowball smacks me in the face. I can hear Dean laughing.

"Real funny asshole. What the hell is your problem?" I yell.

"You were supposed to be here a half hour ago, what's your problem?" He yells back.

" Why did you bring a snow shovel?"

" Long story, I'll tell you on the way. Hey, I need to change my pants. Let me go in your house for a minute and change "

" Ya okay come on."

I'm greeted by his mother as we walk by to his room. I change into my Cheap Hotel Pants and we try to slip on out. Before Dean's mother stops us but we're too late.

"What are you two up to?" She inquires.

" Just needed to change my pants, Mrs. Malloy, that's all." I answer.

" Ah huh, so your mother wouldn't let you wear those, and you sneaked them out to change here. I know the drill. Can you even walk in those Cheap Hotel Pants? You're going to give yourself a hernia."

" Ya I'm just fine."

" Don't worry your secret's safe with me, I won't say a word. Now listen you trouble makers, no drinking and no drugs. Do you understand?"

 "Yes ma'am" We say in unison.

"Now go on and get out of here. Remember be home by 12:00. Nothing good happens after midnight."

" Bye mom!" Dean says while pushing me out the door into the cold winter night. Snow is coming down in large flakes with the typical Chicago wind swirling them around.

"My mother always says the same thing. Nothing good can happen after midnight. How do they know? I bet they stayed out long past midnight all the time when they were younger." I say.

" Do you think our mothers were ever young? I just can't imagine it." Dean asks.

"Of course they were but I bet they didn't follow all the rules. And they expect us to be good little boys."

" I know that's bullshit huh?"

"Yep."

"Hey Santi, come on keep up. Why are you walking so slow? The party will be over by the time we get there. Come on!" Dean hollers.

It seems I'd misjudged how my Cheap Hotel Pants affected my physical abilities. I couldn't make full strides while walking. When I tried to do so, the pants would squash my balls. It was like I was giving myself a hernia.

" Man these pants are tighter than I thought. It's hard to walk fast in them. Go ahead, I'll catch up." I answered in a voice an octave higher.

"Come on you pussy." Dean taunts.

We are on 95th Street and Francisco, a high traffic area waiting to cross by Mitzi's Flower Shop. The light is taking forever to change and Dean becomes inpatient. He dashes across the street against the light and cars beep their horns.

" Come on you pussy, hurry up, let's go!" He hollers while directing me with his hands like a crossing guard.

The snow was really coming down, starting to accumulate on the ground and in the street. I spotted a brief break in the traffic, knowing my window of opportunity would close if I didn't hurry. I stepped off the curb in between two cars and started running. However, my swiftness was severely compromised due to my Cheap Hotel Pants restricting my agility. I never saw the car making a turn as I attempted to navigate my scamper across the street. Just as I cleared the center line a Ford Galaxie 500 slammed into me with a devastating force launching me in the air. I landed forty feet away near the curb on the other side of the street. There was an agonizing pain in both my legs and back with blood running down my face. I could hear Dean screaming, "Santiago! Santiago! Are you alright? That car sure tagged your ass." I laid motionless on my back looking up at the snowflakes floating lazily down onto my face. I could hear different voices asking me for information on my condition. I wasn't able to answer them because I had no idea.

"Santi, you don't look so good. I think maybe you are going to have to go to the hospital. Good thing it's right across the street. Hey Santi, why do you smell like Vodka?"

" Hello young man, can you tell me your name? "

"His name is Santiago." Dean informs the good Samaritan woman.

" I'm a nurse and I work across the street. We called an ambulance. It should be here real soon. I'm going to put this towel on your head to stop the bleeding, okay?

I could hear the siren from the ambulance getting closer. 

"Santi, I'm gonna stay right here with you so you won't be alone. Don't die cause I don't know what to do with your snow shovel."

Dean whispers.

He squeezes my hand and pats my shoulder. I think what a good buddy he is. Although I don't really consider him a close friend at all. He kinda gets on my nerves, always with his smartass 

comments, criticizing everything and everyone. And another thing is that he has bad breath and spits when he talks. 

The ambulance arrives along with a couple of policemen. They begin firing questions at me but I choose not to answer. My backpack is removed and I manage to instruct the EMT to give it to Dean.

"Now I know why I smelled that." He laughs.

They put one of those plastic collar things on me. I'm loaded into the ambulance. Dean climbs in back with me for the short ride to the hospital. 

"Hey, can you turn on the siren and lights? That would be so cool." Dean pleads.

"It's up to the driver. Don't go bothering him, kid. Can you move to the other side here? I need to get your friend's vital signs."

He puts an oxygen mask on me and starts pulling the neck collar to make it fit better. Of all the procedures I dislike the most is when they take your blood pressure. They always pump the damn belt so tight I'm sure it's gonna cause my arm to explode shooting blood and pieces of muscle all over. 

" Well your blood pressure is kinda high for a kid. How old are you? 12 or 13?"

He starts with the conversation prompts but Dean offers the answers.

" No Santiago is 15 the same as me. He's just small for his age. All the time I've known him it's always been that way. But he is a tough little shit, don't call him shrimp, shorty or little anything 

It doesn't matter how big you are, he'll come at you like a wild dog." Dean explains.

" Hey kid, I need you to shut up. I'm trying to get an idea of his mental state, to see if he's had any head trauma. Understand?" 

The ambulance stops at the Emergency entrance of the hospital. When they open the doors it looks as though there's a hundred people outside waiting for my arrival. It must be a slow night and they have nothing else better to do. I'm rushed into an examination room where a Doctor with a few nurses begin their routine. 

" Can you hear me? Are you able to speak?" A nurse asks.

"Yes I can."

" Santiago, I need to know where you are feeling pain. Can you tell me?" The Doctor asks. 

In a soft tone I tell them my back and legs feel weird and my head hurts with throbbing pain. 

After a bunch of…"Can you feel this and can you feel that?"

The Doctor shakes his head given his assessment to another Doctor. Saying something about my spine and vertebrae.

"Listen Santiago, we're going to need some X-rays. We just gave you something for the pain. Are you feeling better?" 

I shook my head yes.

We're going to need to cut your pants off because they are too tight to pull off and I'm afraid we may cause more damage."

Just then I hear my mother screaming my name. She walks into the examination room as I'm objecting to them destroying my pants. My mother doesn't miss a word and quickly gives them her approval.

" I knew it! I knew it!" She screams.

"Those damn Cheap Hotel Pants cut them off! Go ahead cutem up. I knew you had them on. I went up to your room to get them and I couldn't find them." She rants.

My old man just shakes his finger at me and says he's going for a cup of coffee. Ya he seems really worried about my condition. Enjoy your coffee you dick.

My mother is really pissed off. She hasn't asked about my condition or how or where I was hit by the car. 

" Ma'am can you please stop with the hollering. It's not helping the situation." 

" There we go, all done. Got those Cheap Hotel Pants off you. Surprised you didn't get a hernia.

And you know the old adage…'Always wear clean underwear because you never know when you'll be in an accident.' I got it right! New underwear straight out of the package.

"I cut them up the sides on the seams so maybe your mother can sew them up." The nurse comments

" Like hell? Throw them in the garbage. I'm not sewing anything." My mother yells.

" Ok here we go to X-ray. Do you want to go with your son?"

" Yes, I guess so. I'm so mad at you Santiago. So mad."

I don't think I'm going to miss my Cheap Hotel Pants.

Word Count 2,740

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